Crappy Customer Service

Other Stuff Not Big Or Important Enough For Its Own Post

Why does every Internet ad tell me how her Wrinkles Just Melted Away?  I don't have any wrinkles myself.  That's right, I'm 36 and I don't have wrinkles.  They told us to stay out of the sun and I took their advice.  So why do I get nothing but wrinkle-melting ads?

My cats have entered their Spring Shed.  They are all shorthairs so their fur doesn't ball up - it forms haystack-like piles.  I have a friend with longhair cats and he has these little fur tubes that roll through the house like tumbleweeds.

Man, sugar-free candy is a LOT better than it used to be.  My dad got me hooked on these mint patties.  You just have to be careful not to overindulge - sugar alcohols have a laxative effect!

I started working on my garden this weekend since the quackgrass is already growing.  I found this awesome product at Canadian Tire, it's called the Mulch Block.  It's way easier than lugging around 40 pound bags and works just like they say it does.  A lot of garden experts say coir is the best mulch around for water retention.

Canapès

•  I leave the pulled-out crabgrass & dandelions on my gravel path, to dry in the sun, before I put them in the compost heap.  The local sparrows & robins have decided the pile is their local Ikea, so they go about pulling all the good bits for their nests.  I laugh the most when I see a sparrow pick up a piece twice the size of her body, hop a few feet, then drop it as if to say, "That's a nice piece, but it'll never fit in the car.  Perhaps I'll have it delivered".  Also like an Ikea, there's a restaurant (worms).

•  I accidentally pulled up a $15 chrysanthemum I bought last year, which was in the earliest throes of putting up shoots.  After saying Fuck and Shit twenty times, I put it back in the ground.  Maybe I should think about mapping the yard this fall.  I always think I'll remember, but once the stupid crabgrass sets in it obscures everything.

•  There's a lot of food crops this year - it keeps Mr. W from getting too grouchy about the cost of flowers.  I have the following:

• Raspberries
• Strawberries
• Corn (just a few stalks as an experiment)
• Herbs
• Onions
• Cherry tomatoes (I prefer them to full-size tomatoes because the slugs can't get them on a vine)

•   Mr. W has accepted the cost of gardening, especially when he stands in the yard after a hard day and eats sunwarmed tomatoes off the vines.  However, I have learned to never ask for, or expect, cut flowers from him.  He hates to buy things that just die in a week, and I hate the environmental cost of cut flowers.  This is what he buys instead.

I Also Have Gravel In My Pants

This is my secret week off.  It has to be a secret so people don't go around trying to fill it up with shit, especially my parents, who will beg me to visit them whenever I have time off.  I love my parents and all, but this is my time to get some shit done.

Every year I take a week off in May to get my garden in shape for the season.  It can't be done any sooner than now because we have to wait for the "danger of frost to pass".  Of course that's just a pipe dream, since the danger never passes, but let's all just go with that.  The first time I was at my new job and got ready to take the week off, I got a lot of comments in the vein of, "What are you, some kind of farmer?  You need a whole week?"  etc.

The answer is yes, I need a whole week because if I try to do it in my off hours during the work week, I will be utterly knackered trying to race the sun.  Hey, I'm knackered anyway.  Everyone imagines gardeners with flowered hats and flowered gloves pruning rose blossoms with pink-handled shears and placing them in a raffia basket, but my gardening style ain't like that.  I have a scorched-earth policy that must be applied because almost no one else in my neighbourhood takes care of their yards.  I am on a mission against crabgrass and dandelions, and if my mission falls behind for even a few days, it just means more work later.  I usually return to the house covered in dirt with more cuts on my arms than Amy Winehouse. (Hey, maybe *she's* pruning her raspberry bushes....)

And let me tell you, I live on one of the smallest lots in this part of the city, and I have a gravel driveway that takes up half my yard, so my actual planting area is quite small.  I nearly kill myself trying to keep it looking half-ass.  How does anyone manage a bigger garden by themselves?